Liam Payne’s Death Has Sparked A Complicated Debate About Grief — And The Points Are Valid

The shocking death of singer Liam Payne has prompted much discussion about grieving a celebrity with a complicated legacy and navigating the realities of parasocial relationships.

The former member of the boy band One Direction died on Wednesday at the age of 31 after falling from a hotel balcony in Buenos Aires. Although investigations of his death continue, a statement from the National Criminal and Correctional Prosecutor’s Office in Buenos Aires notes that “everything indicates that the musician was alone when the fall occurred, and was going through some kind of outbreak due to substance abuse.”

After the news broke, many fans of Payne and One Direction expressed their shock and grief, but the responses have been complex, particularly given the late singer’s troubled history and recent allegations of abuse from his ex-partner Maya Henry. 

“Celebrities can have a major impact on our lives through their work, which can create a sense of connection, but because the relationship is one-sided, it can make grieving feel complex and a bit confusing,” said Heather Hagen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and executive director of outpatient services with Newport Healthcare.

We often form parasocial relationships with celebrities.

The parasocial relationships fans develop with public figures can create feelings of closeness that make their deaths feel like the loss of an actual friend or family member. The proliferation of social media and paparazzi culture has intensified these connections. 

“As fans, we can feel very close and connected to celebrities despite not actually knowing them personally,” explained licensed marriage and family therapist Becky Stuempfig. “There’s a safety in feeling connected to the image that the celebrity portrays of themselves without having to manage the complexities of an intimate, real-life relationship.”

She noted that we can forge emotional connections with the famous person’s product ― whether it’s music, art or film ― which then become emotional connections to the actual person. That’s why it’s painful and difficult to comprehend when they pass away and we almost feel as if we’ve lost a loved one. 

And it’s hard to reconcile our perception of them with their real-life mistakes.

This phenomenon also creates a sense of dissonance when we hear unsavory allegations about a public figure we admire. 

“We tend to place celebrities on pedestals and idolize the public image we know, yet as fans we do not know the real person behind what they present to their audience,” Stuempfig said. “As consumers of their products, our brains make automatic assumptions about what kind of life they lead that may or may not match up with the celebrity’s reality behind the scenes, creating cognitive dissonance, or lack of harmony, with our perceptions of the celebrity versus the celebrity’s reality.”

The disconnect between perception and reality also complicates the grief process. Many of Payne’s fans have shared their struggle to balance a range of emotions about the late artist they adored and behavior they abhorred. 

“Someone can be a talented and charismatic, engaging musical talent, but also struggle immensely behind the scenes or have behavior that is harmful,” said Gina Moffa, a grief therapist and author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss.

“Can we see that celebrity as human? As fallible? As messy? As troubled or struggling with mental health?” she posited. “Can we hold the truth that they were talented but potentially not a gentle or kind person? It can be hard, and it can change the way some people grieve.”

For many, the allegations of Payne’s wrongdoing have been deeply disappointing and irrevocably altered their view of him.

“It can be difficult to reconcile positive feelings for a celebrity that we admire when that person is also accused of doing harmful things both to themselves and others,” Stuempfig said. “However, a necessary part of the grief process is to remember and recognize the bereaved from all angles, understanding their strengths while also acknowledging their struggles. This enables our minds to fully process the loss rather than only remembering one aspect of the person or relationship.”

Everyone mourns differently, so there will be a range of individual reactions to Payne’s death and views on his legacy.

“Just as in life, multiple things can exist at the same time,” noted Fanisha Calvert, a therapist who specializes in grief. “You can still grieve the loss of someone while also experiencing conflicted feelings about harm that they may have caused. Complicated grief is a type of grief that can bring up a range of different emotions, feelings and experiences.” 

We also mourn for our own nostalgic reasons.

Payne’s death is particularly emotional for many millennials and Gen Zers who came of age during the height of One Direction’s fame.

“A vast majority of One Direction fans became fans in their teen years and young adulthood,” said Georgia Carroll, a sociologist and expert on fan and celebrity culture who became a “Directioner” in 2011 at the age of 17.

“During this time, people are going through significant periods of change and transformation, and the celebrities they love during this time can function as anchors in otherwise chaotic times,” she explained. “You’re going through friendship changes, first crushes and heartbreaks, finishing school and heading to university, but your favorite band can be the constant and a source of joy and happiness and belonging.”

Carroll noted that Payne was only 31, around the same age of many of his fans, who wouldn’t expect to lose a peer in their generation so soon, especially without warning. Questions about the nature of his death amid ongoing investigations also add to the sense of loss and feeling untethered. 

One 29-year-old fan, Bailey V., told HuffPost she was completely shocked by the news.

“I idolized One Direction when I was younger,” she said. “Not only were they super cute and I had a huge crush on all of them, but ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ and ‘Best Song Ever’ are key core memory tracks of that time in my life. Hearing news about celebs who played such a big impact on our lives in earlier years feels like hearing this news about an old friend.”

The death of a musician you loved as a teenager and young adult prompts powerful feelings of nostalgia. 

“When someone dies and they were a part of our formative years, it can feel as if we are losing a piece of our past,” Moffa said. “It makes us reminisce wistfully at what was. They are a thread back to our younger years, maybe easier years, maybe harder. They symbolized a way of being that was a reference point for us. When they die, it can feel like a cutting of that thread and link back to our younger years.”

For One Direction fan and mental health advocate Gabby Frost, Payne’s death is a reminder of the passage of time and the fact that she will never again get to experience her teen years that brought joyful memories.

“I get very emotional thinking about the people and opportunities One Direction brought into my life,” she said. “I think about how euphoric I’d feel after a new album release, seeing them on tour or even interacting with other fans. My fandom experience with One Direction is deeply personal to me, as they gave me one of the only sources of happiness in the most depressing years of my adolescence.”

And it can spark a range of personal emotions.

As with any loss, a fan may feel classic grief-related emotions like anger, sadness, regret and confusion. 

“A celebrity’s death may also prompt personal reflections on their life and sense of identity, especially if they closely identified with the celebrity during their youth,” Hagen said. “The news can feel surreal, especially if the celebrity seemed invincible or was still active in their career. Fans often struggle to process the reality of the loss.”

It’s normal to reflect on personal memories tied to Payne’s music and the feelings of joy or sadness you felt during those moments in your life.

“We feel as if we grew up with the celebrity, and often many of the most significant times in our development are paired with the celebrity’s successes,” Stuempfig noted. “Therefore it brings up not just grief for the celebrity but also a wave of emotions from those pivotal times in our own lives.”

If Payne’s death feels traumatic for you, remember that you aren’t alone.

“It’s normal to experience many different varied and opposing emotions after hearing this news,” Moffa said. “We can experience shock and numbness, sadness, anxiety, moodiness and even perhaps a traumatic trigger due to the way in which he died if someone has experienced a traumatic loss. It can be helpful to talk to other people who are grieving Liam’s death, whether it’s through social media, with friends or a professional.

Allow yourself to experience your grief and try to practice self-care as you navigate difficult emotions. 

“It’s important for fans to remember that it is still OK to grieve and be sad, and doing so is not condoning any bad behavior,” Carroll said. “We’re grieving memories, we’re grieving the relationship we had with the band, we’re grieving the fact we’ll never get the reunion, we’re grieving for our younger selves and who Liam was to them. Give yourself space and time to feel sad, because your grief is normal and valid.”

For Frost, the grief as a fan also comes with well wishes for those who knew Payne personally and are mourning in a different way.

“I hope that everyone affected by this can find peace,” she said. “Maya and other victims deserve healing and peace. His son, family and other loved ones deserve healing and peace.”

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.