I’m A Swiftie, So I Decided To Rank All 36 Variants Of Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department” Album — Because Yep, It’s Gotten A Tad Out Of Hand
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m a Swiftie. A hard-core one. But just because I’m obsessed with Taylor Swift’s music — and admittedly haven’t listened to anything over the past six months other than TTPD — doesn’t mean I can’t get a liiiiiittle critical sometimes.
YES, I KNOW. Thirty-six album variants. One single album, 31 songs, and 36 ALBUM VARIANTS.
And as I said, I’m a Swiftie, but perhaps more than that, I’m an environmentalist. So the sheer number of variants just means more packaging, more overconsumption, yada yada.
Think you’re Blondie’s biggest fan? Put your ~reputation~ to the test.
So today, I’ve done some digging and we’re gonna go through a list of all 36 variants — ranked by how good they actually are, coming to you from the album’s number-one fan.
Starting from the bottom — AKA the most needless in my opinion:
36. Standard album, Target Exclusive: Vinyl
This shouldn’t really be last, because it’s straight-up just the main version of the album. But it is, because in this variant, you’re essentially getting the least possible amount of content. So it wouldn’t be my pick.
Also, Target Exclusive? Uh, why Target? Some of us don’t live near Targets (or in the US at all). And I wouldn’t call something “exclusive” if there are 36 possible versions to buy. So I’m sorry, but this one makes little sense to me.
35. Standard album: Digital
This was the one that started it all. The baseline of sorts. So it only went up from here.
You do need the standard digital edition before you have The Anthology — it’s the version we all listened to on streaming platforms before we knew there WAS an Anthology — so this one matters way more than its ranking suggests. But again, it simply has less content than the others. Nobody is going back to listen to this version now that we have all the others.
34. Standard album with “But Daddy I Love Him (Acoustic)”: CD
I know a lot of people LOVE this song — there’s a reason it starts off the TTPD set at The Eras Tour. But I didn’t need an acoustic version of this one. Especially on a CD, of all formats.
33. Standard album with “But Daddy I Love Him (Acoustic)”: Digital
We now know I’m the biggest advocate for digital releases. But I can’t find some of these digital versions on Apple Music, so it looks like Tay made them only available to purchase, and only for a short time. Love that.
32. Standard album with “Fresh Out The Slammer (Acoustic)”: CD
Again, I do like this song, but did we REALLY need an acoustic version? And in CD form?? The OG version is mellow enough as it is.
31. Standard album with “Down Bad (Acoustic)”: CD
“Down Bad” isn’t my favorite acoustic song by a long shot either, which explains why this album variant is so low. But hey, everyone really loves this song, myself included. So I at least get where this choice came from.
30. Standard album with “Guilty As Sin? (Acoustic)”: CD
The original “Guilty As Sin?” could be my favourite on the entire TTPD album, no joke. But again! I’m not a super big fan of the acoustic version of this one. The production really MAKES a song for me, and the production on the OG version of this song is just perfection. Soooo add this one to the list of CD releases that us Swifties likely didn’t need.
29. Standard album with “The Manuscript”: Cassette
This song is a great little addition and super underrated. It’s also just an excellent closer to the whirlwind of an album that is TTPD.
But like, why a cassette? When will anyone give me a straight answer as to what a cassette even IS?
28. Standard album with “The Manuscript”: CD
I’m sure everyone who bought this CD is regretful they didn’t just wait to buy the one with all the songs on it. But we thought this was all we had.
27. Collector’s Edition Deluxe with “The Manuscript”: CD
Nobody needs a collector’s edition CD in 2024. But fans scurried to buy this, because there are a few tiny little knickknacks that come with the Collector’s Edition TTPD CDs. “Artifacts,” they call them. Not sure what people are doing with these now — or what they’ll do with them in five years’ time, but I guess that’s none of my business.
26. Standard album with “The Manuscript” (version 1): Vinyl
Yeah, so there were 3 vinyl editions of the regular album with “The Manuscript.” I’m pretty sure the only difference was they were different colours, but Swifties, please tell me in the comments, because my Taylor knowledge does have some gaps and this is one of them.
25. Standard album with “The Manuscript” (version 2): Vinyl
Version two. Different colour. That’s basically it.
24. Standard album with “The Manuscript” (version 3): Vinyl
Yes, that’s SIX different variants of the regular album plus this one song. Six versions of the same exact album format.
23. Standard album with “The Black Dog”: Cassette
This song is not just an amazing dose of TEA — most importantly, it’s a good ol’ angry bop with a slow build. And I love a good slow build. This song starts out The Anthology, too, so it’s like a little teaser as to what you’d get with the full-full album.
But again, like, us Swifties definitely weren’t itching to buy a cassette. And probably never will, unless cassettes make a historic return to pop culture.
22. Standard album, Target Exclusive, with “The Black Dog”: CD
Did I mention I’m Canadian? So really, it’s coming from a good place when I say this “Target Exclusive” stuff has to stop. I love Target as much as the next girl, but is it really THAT special that we need a completely separate edition just for Target?
21. Collector’s Edition Deluxe with “The Black Dog”: CD
Second “The Black Dog” CD. Pretty much the same exact thing, just with additional knickknacks. These “artifacts” sort of look like Taylor tried to make her own version of Pokémon cards. There’s a patch and a magnet, too. But still, begs the question, does anyone really need this stuff?
20. Standard album with “The Black Dog”: Vinyl
Another vinyl! Not much to say here other than that!
19. Standard album with “The Bolter”: Cassette
I’m putting “The Bolter” editions above the basic album variants with “The Black Dog” and “The Manuscript” because this song is sooo interesting, empowering, and underrated. It also works well as a reflective bonus track at the end of an album edition. Like, it feels like this was a purposeful choice.
And I’m a broken record (broken cassette?) at this point, but: the number of cassettes on this list has to be stopped.
18. Standard album (Target Exclusive) with “The Bolter”: CD
Another Target Exclusive that gives Canadian Swifties (and actually everyone else besides Americans) FOMO!
17. Collector’s Edition Deluxe with “The Bolter”: CD
More knickknacks, but this time, with a different song title on them. You know what that means: Swifties felt the need to collect ’em ALL.
16. Standard album with “The Bolter”: Vinyl
There’s just way too much effort going into differentiating these variants, at this point. Although, Taylor, I suppose I commend and appreciate your commitment to your business.
15. Standard album with “Fortnight (Acoustic)”: CD
OK, I know I talked about not loving the other acoustic versions, but this one is low-key GREAT. Something about the acoustic “Fortnight” highlights Tay and Post Malone’s voices even more. And it’s just BEAUTIFUL.
14. Standard album with “The Albatross”: Cassette
Not enough people hype “The Albatross” up. It’s truly one of the most beautiful songs Taylor’s ever released — there, I said it. This song was also my first favorite from The Anthology (and really TTPD in general). People who chose this one at random over the other initial CD variants won.
13. Standard album, Target Exclusive, with “The Albatross”: CD
Enough with the Target Exclusives!!! It’s not exclusive if you have a gazillion versions to pick from!!!!!!!!
12. Collector’s Edition Deluxe with “The Albatross”: CD
The collector’s edition to end all collector’s editions! JK, it’s pretty similar to the others. Except these albatross patches are 100% WAY prettier than the ones in the other collector’s editions.
11. Standard album with “The Albatross”: Vinyl
It’s a shame Taylor released some of these variants before the album was actually out, so people had no idea what edition (i.e. what additional song) to choose from. Although lots of fans responded by simply buying as many options as they could.
10. Standard album with “The Manuscript,” signed: CD
We’ve already discussed “The Manuscript” as an addition to the normal album (ICYMI, we love the song). And come on, a signed copy? That’s pretty cool. I can’t normally justify buying CDs, but I’d make an exception for this one. Just as a small little collector’s item.
9. Standard album and “The Alchemy/Treacherous (Live from Paris)”: Digital
I happen to not like “The Alchemy” as a song — it’s my least favourite off the entire TTPD album, sorry! But getting a live mashup can’t go too low on this list, so here it is. That’s me being as unbiased as possible.
8. Standard album with “The Black Dog” voice memo: Digital
I love Taylor’s voice memos SO much, because they tell us a bit more about where each song came from, and I love dissecting lyrics. So her voice memo releases do make sense to me. It just so happens that this particular voice memo isn’t my fave of the bunch.
7. Standard album with “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me” voice memo: Digital
This song isn’t quite up there with my faves from TTPD, but I do really enjoy this voice memo — it genuinely helps me appreciate the song more.
6. Standard album with “Cassandra” voice memo: Digital
First of all, this song is a GEM. And second of all, this particular voice memo is really fascinating. I didn’t even know who Cassandra was, and was totally unclear about the meaning of this song before this voice memo. So I definitely gained tons of new appreciation from this variant.
5. Standard album with “loml (Live from Paris)”: Digital
Simply stunning. That’s it. This song is incredible, and despite that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to add these live versions to different album variants, I’m trying to bite my tongue. Just because of how much I love Taylor’s live songs.
4. Standard album with “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys (Live from Paris)”: Digital
The live version of “MBOBHFT” brings out something extra — it feels almost like a new track entirely, which I can appreciate. The soft piano totally matches the sadness in the lyrics in this version. So this one would be worth a purchase for me.
3. The Anthology (Target Exclusive): CD
Taylor knew what she was doing by waiting so long to release a vinyl with all of TTPD plus The Anthology on it. Because now? Every edition under this is just inherently worse, because this includes so many of the amazing tracks she previously added to differentiate individual variants.
Technically, if you were to choose any physical variant off this list, the new Target Exclusive versions do make sense to buy (and, uh, if you live in America). That doesn’t mean you must buy it, however! I, myself, am thrilled with listening to TTPD on Apple Music. But to each their own.
2. The Anthology (Target Exclusive): Vinyl
We know how I feel about Target Exclusives by now — but this is the whole album, so this one is definitely the right vinyl to get (if at all).
I do have to say, though, it is quite unsettling that out of 36 variants, this is the ONLY vinyl that comes with the entire 31-track album. Same goes for the CD at #3: it’s the only CD with the entire album on it, instead of just half the album.
And there’s currently no international information for The Anthology CD and vinyl, so we’re leaving the overconsumption to our American Swifties at this point.
1. The Anthology: Digital
No-brainer: number-one goes to TTPD plus The Anthology, the 31-song edition on all streaming platforms. This is the version most of us listen to on the daily, because it has all the main songs on it. The only things you’re truly “missing out” on with this one are the live versions and acoustic versions (oh, and those knickknacks from the Collector’s Editions).
All jokes aside, though this version is perfect to me, because you’re still getting all the core songs. And really? That’s what matters.
